(the above is an artist’s depiction of the company’s headquarters)

We’ve obtained a totally authentic and not-at-all fabricated transcript of a discussion taking place at RFRSH’s headquarters between Nikolaj Nyholm and Jordi Roig after the latter’s interview with HLTV was published to much of whatever the opposite of fanfare is.

What the hell did you mean when you said you’re not looking for exclusivity “right now”?

I’m sorry, sir, I couldn’t help it. They were asking questions! I’m not used to those in my profession. I tried to improvise…

It really doesn’t make a good impression when you basically admit that you’re planning to do the very thing you’re accused of, only not just yet. I mean, even Dr. Evil displayed more tact in those movies when he asked for a billion dollars…

I don’t understand their issue. Seven tournaments, every team is playing five. Did I mention seven? Or that every team is playing five? Astralis just hasn’t happened to skip any of them just yet and also attended all the ones before the 2019 circuit. Five out of seven, by the way.

You need to stop saying that all the time. Even a political spokesman tends to display greater verbal dexterity than you did out there.

I’m sorry, sir. It’s my favorite pistol in the game.

Did you just try to be authentic?

Sorry… (inaudible)

Never do that again.

I won’t.

Perhaps you should also give better answers than the “because Astralis started to play well” non sequitur.

Blue cabbage.


Sir, I’ve been meaning to ask: if we truly want to monopolize Counter-Strike, could we have at least gone with a less shitty tournament format?

(the sound of a hatch opening, a person falling, screams, a sploosh)