We all graduate from the P90 to the AK as we gain experience in matchmaking and start to slowly shed our silver skin and try to get a sheen of gold on our rank. But that doesn’t mean we can’t have our special favorites, the oddball gun that’s close to our heart, right? Just like other personality traits, like the way you use comms or whether you tilt or not, your favorite weapon tells a lot about you as a player and a person alike. Here’s what you need to know.
AK-47: Shockingly, even Valve outdid you in the counting department – you can only count to one so you want to make sure you don’t need another bullet.
M4A4: A civilized, calm and controlled individual, who likes their whiskey iced and their bursts manageable. Your abundance mindset necessitates 30 bullets in the mag.
M4A1-S: You like spy movies but you don’t understand why they don’t bring in the big guns.
AWP: You love point-and-click adventure games.
SG 553: Examining things up close is your forte. Perhaps you’re a doctor, a philatelist, a detective, or someone who just doesn’t feel like aiming the proper way?
AUG: You’re just the same as the person above but with a bit more cash to spare.
Galil AR: You definitely don’t have any cash to spare. Any extra couple bucks go into your kids’ tuition funds or your secret grenade stash.
FAMAS: You’re just weird.
Scout: You’re too good for the AWP, anyway. You can do better. This is the cost-effective solution! It isn’t at all about rejection or anything. No, this is a perfectly normal coping mechanism.
MAC-10 or MP9: You ran the math and found the optimal bullets-to-kill-rewards ratio. As a child, your first word was BRATATATAT.
MAG-7: Your favorite SNL sketch is called Chonk.
Deagle: You have a fascination with Spanish males and you always have Shadowplay on.
Glock: You must be fun at parties.
USP-S: Your dream is to become a librarian and to silence everyone for good.
P2000: You can’t aim for shit and you’re proud of it.
P250: You want to be an IGL when you grow up and you never forget to also pick up a smoke and a flash. It’s a shame no one listens to your calls.
Tec-9: You started watching pro CS when olofmeister was at his peak.
Five-Seven: CS:GO is a numbers game. With enough bullets, you’re bound to luck into a headshot.
Dual Berettas: CS:GO is a numbers game. With enough bullets fired four at a time, you’re bound to feel like Max Payne at some point.
CZ-75: We’re in 2022. Source 2 is coming. You’re clinging to the past. Seek help. You need therapy.
R8: You’re definitely not fun at parties.
P90: See P2000.*
UMP-45: You haven’t played CS in the last five years.
MP7: You are not a risk-taker. Sure things make the world go around. You don’t need no kill reward: you do need great recoil control, no dark sarcasm anti-ecos, purple, leave them Ts alone!
XM1024: You hate Cookie Clicker and other such games. One click to rule them all! (By the way, if you haven’t noticed that I misspelled the weapon’s name, you’re not a real fan.)
Sawed-Off: No Country for Old Men is your favorite movie.
PP-Bizon: In your mind, aiming is an art of approximation.
Nova: You thought No Country for Old Men was full of pretentious bullshit.
M249: Show us on the doll where the Negev has hurt you.
The autosnipers: You love to be hated. In your darkest nights, you find fuel from your nameless opponents’ screams in the voice chat. You boot up the game again, toss away five thousand bucks and go on another rampage. Life goes on. But the void inside never fills.
Negev: You’d love to have laser cutters in CS, wouldn’t you?
MP5-SD: *klaxon* Boomer Source player alert! *klaxon*
Knife: You either have way too much money, you loved to play as a Spy in TF2, have some mild psychopathic tendences, happen to be a backstabbing bastard, or all of the above. If your knife is golden, visit your doctor and stop playing Arms Race.
Frag grenade: You always struggle to keep things together and it’s tough to pin down why.
Flashbang: Teachers called you a bright young kid but sex was all you had on your mind.
Molotov: You have a Joker poster on the wall.
Incendiary grenade: Joaquim Phoenix, of course.
Smoke grenade: You like turn-based strategy games just as much as CS.
Decoy grenade: You don’t take your CS:GO matches very seriously, do you?
Zeus: You are an electrifying presence, lighting up every room you enter. Shocking, I know.
*The author is a proud owner of a StatTrak P90.