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Luci Kelemen
Luci Kelemen

Writes about way too many things. Has way too many opinions. Wants to tell all the interesting stories in the world.

Mar 4, 2020

Are you hungry for some Dota? Well, don’t worry, because the third Minor of the season is right around the corner! Couch potatoes rejoice: we’ll have some juicy gameplay to watch live from Kiev, with eight teams battling for a chance to partake in the actual full-course dinner soon thereafter in Los Angeles with meaningful DPC points on the line. But which franchise will get a chance at the Michelin star in Hollywood? Read on to find out! (You may not find out.)

CRZDonald’s

To think this just used to be a fun little experiment, bright red rooftops and cartoon clowns, fighting Pepegas and PandaS messing around in the DPC. Well, just like how Ronald McHeartAttack was airbrushed from the marketing materials, it looks like KheZu and co. are looking to take a step forward on the road of… erm, being one of the many normal Dota teams? That's certainly one way to Super Size yourself.

They are always there or thereabouts as well in the competition, close to the Major but always falling short so far, with embarrassing fiftEE/fiftEE moments similar to Mc’y ol’ D’s gambit with the Big Mac trademark and the like. At least these failures don’t cost them millions of dollars. Oh wait…

Häagen-DAlliance

Just like the ice cream company with the fancy gibberish name purposefully chosen to make you think it’s a luxury item instead of yet another frozen dessert from the US of A, this Alliance side ain’t like the previous one, and you could be forgiven for constantly confusing them with Liquid. Of course, liquid ice cream isn’t exactly the tastiest either, and despite the jacked-up prices of the product, you might be better off buying the original if you want to gorge on good Dota.

Gambit Hut

Have you heard of the Pizza Hut commercial with former USSR President Mikhail Gorbachev as its star? That’s pretty much Gambit in a nutshell, a wobbly attempt to secure riches for the CIS region that is struggling to live up to previous great expectations, slowly sliding down the ladder ever since ESL One Hamburg. There’s also the nautical amounts of grease and the restaurants which look gaudier than the most expensive Rubick skins, but that’s a story for another time.

Aster King

Royalty they ain't, but they offer the best saggy onion rings in the business. It would certainly take a whopper of a performance to get through this bracket!

business associates

Oh look, it’s the venture capitalists who couldn’t yet decide which franchise to invest in! Then again, they don’t even care about that as long as the results are good. North Americas, amirite? Plus a German. Don't forget ze German.

KforC

Perhaps just as forZe-d as the rest of the comparisons, one has to wonder whether the CIS side will chicken out before end of the group stage. With Aster and the men in the suits also lurking in Group A for a playoff spot, they could very well find themselves on the wrong side of a hostile takeover.

AppleBOOM’s

This is the Indonesian side’s first chance at the big time, and just like in the case of Applebee’s, my first thought is that they are going to serve up something that will require multiple Peptos to deal with afterwards.

NoPing-fil-A

A Southern side, though more American than Baptist, these plucky Brazilians better hope they won’t be closed on Sundays if they reach the grand final. It’s either that, or they get filleted to pieces on the way, and looking at how strong the competition in Group B, maybe that’s the more likely outcome.

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